THE LIFE OF AN NFL PUNTER: CHRIS KLUWE-STYLE
For this week's blog post we have a very special guest.
You've seen him in the tabloids. You've seen him on the world-wide-web. You've probably even faced off against him in your favorite video game. It's Vikings punter Chris Kluwe, and he's here to shed a little insight into the extremely vigorous life of an NFL punter.
Most people think we just show up at the stadium and play the game. This is not true! There are thousands of tiny little details that go into creating a successful gameday experience, and I'm here to give you a behind the scenes look of the 24 hours leading up to an NFL game.
From a punter's perspective, of course.
Saturday (Travel day)
7am - Wake up, grumble about having to wake up before 9. Drink a Gatorade (hydration is important!). Drive to facility.
7:20am - Eat breakfast, grumble about having special teams meetings so early. Drink a water. Stare at phone to pass time.
8am - Special teams meeting. Give every indication of alertness while silently thinking of ways to successfully invade Russia in winter. Nod vaguely and grunt if name is called.
9am - Team meeting. Drink another Gatorade, try to avoid urinating in pants (no one wants a repeat of '07). Make a beeline for bathroom once meeting ends.
9:15am - Play dominos against long snapper. Beat him repeatedly until he swears and storms off. Stare at phone for remainder of time wondering why no one is updating their site at 9am on a Saturday.
10:30am - Mock game.
10:31am - Make a mockery of mock game.
11am - Mock game ends, run to shower barely in front of stampeding herd.
11:01am - Dry off from shower, head to bookstore for reading material for the flight. Grumble about lack of new science fiction/fantasy books. Buy something anyway.
12pm - Lunch. Graze on various foodstuffs rookies have been forced to procure. Wonder what half of it is.
12:45pm - TSA patdown/groping/arranged marriage. Emerge disheveled, but unscathed. Collect books and dignity, head to bus.
1:30pm - Board plane. Promise not to eat king size bag of peanut M&Ms because it'll only cause nausea. Drink a Gatorade.
1:35pm - Eat king size bag of peanut M&Ms.
1:45pm - Begin first of many attempts to keep stomach from running away to join the circus. Swear to never again eat king size bag of peanut M&Ms.
4pm - Land in opposing city. Stare numbly out bus window at random people in cars on freeway. Imagine life stories for each one; sadly all end in tragic circumstances involving common household appliances and farm animals.
4:30pm - Arrive at hotel.
4:35pm - Check into room, browse available adult movie selection to learn what current city views as acceptable morals. Mentally time when each wave of players reaches their rooms as selection decreases. Drink a Gatorade.
4:45pm - "Shower".
8:30pm - Special teams meeting. Refine Russian invasion plans. Clap briefly when projector fails and no one can fix it.
9pm - Team meeting. Pretend to enjoy inspirational team video with horribly chosen current rap/R&B song. Think of ways to permanently destroy autotune.
9:15pm - Team snack. Wonder briefly at how a five course buffet line with complete roast suckling pig can be considered a 'snack'. Fill bowl with chocolate ice cream and hot fudge until spillage seems certain. Return to room to gorge upon saturated fats.
9:30pm - Pass out in ice cream induced torpor. Dream of diabetic sheep.
11pm - Briefly startle awake as bedcheck is conducted. Return to sleep, dream of Chris Hanson battling Liam Neeson. Neeson wins.
Sunday (Game day)
9:15am - Wake up. Eat breakfast. Watch players sheepishly pay for room charges at checkout counter.
9:30am - Take team bus to stadium. Listen to fifteen different songs blasting through Beats by Dre headphones. Reminisce fondly on boomboxes.
10am - Walk around field. Greet old acquaintances, mutually complain about special teams coaches. Wave and smile at special teams coaches. Warm up.
10:45am - Begin pregame kicking. Berate self constantly for any imperfect kick. Assure special teams coach that 'frothing seizure' is not on the game plan.
11am - Watch rest of team warm up. Continue to refine Russian invasion plans.
12pm - Game starts. Immediately begin counting down time until game ends. Glance wistfully at hotdog vendors. Punt occasionally.
There you have it. The glamorous life of an NFL punter. Truly, no one could be more dedicated to their craft than us.
There it is, folks. Now you won't feel alone when you daze off and dream about invading Russia. For more hilarity, we strongly recommend following Chris on his Twitter page . Check out his rock-tastic band Tripping Icarus , where he's been known to slapp the bass, man.